Damaged
by chichidark
Summary: memories of his life with Frieza come back to haunt Vegeta even years later and cause a myriad of problems in his present life. UPDATED AGAIN! chapters 6 and 7 are now up! please, please r
1. Prologue

A.N: Okay kiddies, we all know how this works. I have no idea where this came from, so bear with me please. The story is told from Vegeta's POV

Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, but I really, really wish I did.

_I fell for the last time_

_Down into the abyss_

_And they will never find me_

_And I'll never again return to this place_

Why do our minds store memories?

It seems as if they don't even have to be very good ones. In fact, bad memories are usually the ones we keep the longest while the good ones slowly fade away.

Most of my good memories have already bled away their color, leaving only black and white copies of the originals. These cheap copies are all I have left of my planet, my father, and my people. And that is usually why it is such a travesty that I remember everything of Frieza. I remember his scent, every movement he made, and every word he spoke to me.

I wish I could forget, but…….

I know that as long as I draw breath, I will never forget.


	2. Cardboard cutouts

A.N: okey dokey. This is the official chapter 1 so here we go.

I only remember bits and pieces of the last day I saw my home planet.

If I think hard enough, I can almost smell the wax on the newly polished floors and see the stained glass windows near the throne room.

I can almost hear the echo of my footsteps as I approached the room where my father and Frieza decided my fate.

There was a guard near the entrance of the throne room……….

"Prince Vegeta, You shouldn't be-"

No. That isn't right. Even as I hear his voice, his body crumbles into dust.

There was no guard.

The double doors were cracked slightly and I pushed them open brazenly. Both my father and Frieza turned to look at me.

I took a few steps beyond the threshold before I was thrown backwards by some unseen force. The doors slammed shut.

No. That wasn't it either. I did not go in….I listened at the doors. Yes! That is correct, I believe.

I stood up and put my ear to the door.

"That is very wise of you, Vegeta, I expect the boy will be ready when I send for him."

"Of course, Lord Frieza."

"Very well,then."

The doors opened again.

My father and all of the elites lay dead around Frieza. That didn't happen 

He stood with his hand outstretched, tha cold smile on his face.

I walked toward him and the walls of the palace began to collapse around us.

This didn't….. 

Please hold on just a little longer, don't go.

"My son," I heard my father whisper. I looked at him and then back at Frieza.

"Vegeta, I think it's time we left, my dear," he said, the cold smile waning.

The walls came down and fire came .

AN: I have no idea what this is. Please review if you think you can tell me. Please give me suggestions on where I should take this, 'cause I'm not really sure.


	3. Cinderbox

AN: HIIIIIIIII! I got a little inspiration and decided to continue the fic!(thanx Amid Much Hysteria!)there are a couple hints of rape, but not too many other warnings.

It is still being told in Vegeta's POV

Disclaimer: I do not own it and never will(no matter how much I wish and hope and dream 

Here it is:

Cinderbox

_Flames._

For some reason I remember flames.

Perhaps they are simply a figment of my imagination or, now that I look back, some sort of vision I had too late.

Either way, it was gone. Or "it's been destroyed" as the soldier told me over my scouter. Perhaps it was Raditz... Either way, it doesn't really matter.

At first, there was a terrifying numbness. I think that I was still pretty angry at my father for letting me go. Giving me away, I mean.

Serves him right, I had thought rather bitterly on my way back to Frieza's ship.

And so things were pretty normal for a while. Depending on how you define normal……

I continued my purging missions for Frieza, the only difference being that I returned to his ship instead of my homeplanet. And even that was quite rare.

However, the older I got, the more I saw of Frieza.

At eleven, he began taking me with him when he went personally to conquer worlds. That was the only time in my life when I actually had the notion of being like Frieza, and now I regret that.

Looking back, I suppose it was only natural (define natural in the circus life I lived!). My father was dead, my planet destroyed, and someone older and stronger than I could ever imagine was taking an interest in me.

And besides, I was not a stupid child. I was aware that simply because I was alive now and being taken into his fold did not mean that he would not hesitate to take my life. I knew that defying him would mean my death.

It wasn't until I was twelve that I realized my fatal mistake.I was spoiled and selfish and I had taken to much of his "kindnesses". I realized this the night of my twelfth birthday, the night he took me into his bed……………

AN: did you like? I rushed a little on it, but please review 


	4. fragment one

AN: Hello again! Pretty much the same deal as chpt 2 , only more hints of rape. The way things are shaping up, though, the warnings'll probably change. Hope u like! it gets a little insane at times, but he does have emotional baggage……..

Disclaimer: do not own DBZ

**Fragment one**

**_The king is dead_**

_My eyes were never quite the same again afterwards…………_

Frieza, he………

ICANTSAYITORIT'LLBETRUE ICANTSAYITORIT'LLBETRUE

ICANTSAYITORIT'LLBETRUE ICANTSAYITORIT'LLBETRUE

Not aloud, and never in the dark……….

I gripped the sheets as he stroked my cheek, whispering that evil, twisted incantation to me. The words burn my heart and yet freeze it till it stops.

_Beatnomoreandishallceasetobe_……..

"The king is dead". They are the words of my "Lord", and somehow that makes them true.

A lone tear, the only one I would cry in his presence for years, traveled slowly down my other cheek. His tongue snaked out and licked it away.

…….that memory………it was important to me somehow……..I just can't….

"VEGETA!"

I blink and I am somewhere else.

I look around, confused.

"VEGETA!"

My suddenly frightened eyes focus on Frieza.

He was sitting in his levitating chair, staring coldly at me. He was not amused at my spacing out.

The memory……….what day is it? Year?

"There is something I want to tell you------"

It was important………

"-------mission. It will require--------"

Wait…..he licks the tear from my cheek and he……….

"You will arrive on Earth in exactly one year," the computer says.

Computer? Not, not yet, it isn't……..

Thekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdead Thekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdead Thekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdead Thekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdeadthekingisdead……………………………………………………..

He told me he killed my father………..

As he thrust into me, still licking the remnants of my tear from my cheek, he told me that he killed my…………….

(I hated my father almost as much as I hate myself…….)

I replaced the memory with………..

A warm body, sweet caresses under the moonlight, passion making me pant and lose my breath, and sweat and……..

Raditz.

So I didn't have to deal. If I pretend it didn't happen I won't have to deal……

The king is dead.

AN: ………..nothing to say really. Please review and I'll try to have the next chappy up soon. 


	5. world down

AN: Yay! I finally got some inspiration so I'm going ahead with the story. I actually wrote this at work when I was really bored, but I hope you like it.

Warnings: there are hints of rape, but not much else.

Disclaimer: Don't own DBZ and I never(never) will. Kinda makes me sad…..

told in Frieza's POV

* * *

World Down

Mmm, of course he can never forget me. I am eternal, Lord of the universe, all powerful. At least that is what he still believes.

You see, I will never die as long as he lives. As long as he still gives me power, I will never die.

I wait for him, you know. Down here in the shadows I wait. In Hell I wait. I am very patient in that way.

It has been almost thirty years since my death and he has not forgotten me. He never could forget_ me_. How could anyone?

Sure, he has filed his life with distractions: that boy of his, those _friends_, and of course that blasted saiyan who destroyed me, the one he calls his _mate_. Hm. Don't make me

laugh.

But no matter. I still own his nights just as I always have. Heh, Heh, always.

How he fights sleep. In his dreams, in the recesses of his mind, I exist. I am very much alive and his torments are very real.

I watch him everyday from Hell. While they all somehow believe that he is better now, both he and I know the truth. His sanity is slipping, even more so than when I still kept him.

How Ironic!

Oh how he stupidly and blindly believed that he would be fine once I was dead. And now he is in a worse state than he was before!

I think that it was perhaps easier for him when I was alive since his torment was real and done by my living self. However, now he torments himself with my memory and while he

can stand physical pain, he is very weak mentally.

I know that better than anyone, For it was I who weakened him. I created him and I knew how to strengthen and cripple him.

He wishes to kill me, but he never will. He blames the one called Goku for stealing that _right._

How foolish…..

I watch how their relationship crumbles, how horribly he treats his _mate._

Oh, poor, poor, Vegeta. You shouldn't abuse your mate for your own weakness!

He believes that if he physically kills me, that the demon in his head will disappear. Yet another testament to his foolishness.

You will neverkill me, boy. Never in your wildest dreams. I am eternal!

Even though you were conceived by your parents, you were always my child. You will always be mine.

I cannot believe myself. Even after that fiasco on Namek, I still care for you.

Hm…..well, you always were my favorite, I suppose. My favorite……

If only you had been obedient, things would have been much better for you! You would have eventually taken Dodoria's place and then perhaps Zarbon's. You could have been

great, lived a life befitting a prince. _We_ could have been great together. But you ruined it with your stupidity and arrogance!

Now look at you. All domestic-like, aren't you? It makes me sick to look at you like that when I know what your true potential is. Really, are you content to sit on that pathetic

planet, playing house? We both know your saiyan blood still burns for battle, burns for the kill.

Oh, why , Vegeta,Why! What a waste…….

Well, I suppose it was to be expected.

I did shape him in my image, so it is only natural that he would want to rule. My fatal mistake. I trained him too well.

Ah, how I long for him in his youth.

I still remember the very first time I took him. Ah he was certainly delectable the first time I took him.

I hurt him. Badly. I think that was probably also a mistake on my part.It sems my roughness led him to associate that horrible first time with every other time, regardless of

whether I hurt him or not.

Oh but the first time. How lovely. I had never seen him week until that night. Oh and his tears! They were what kept me coming back for more. And those lilting pleas…..

And what I remember most, his most desperate moment, a beautiful, terrible thing. At one point he leaned up and hugged me, burying his face into my chest, pleading for my

mercy.

He had hoped to appeal to the part of me that cared for him as a father. And it almost worked, for a minute it almost worked. However, I came to my senses and shoved him

back down.

The next morning, we had breakfast together.

I asked him questions about his last mission in order to force him to talk an I could see the shock and confusion on his face. He could not believe how I acted as if nothing had

ever happened. I always did, and slowly his sanity withered.

Ah, good times. Yes,Vegeta, good times indeed.

AN: Well, that's the end, hope you guys liked it and I promise I'll try to update as soon as possible. But of course it would help fuel the creative processes if people threw some suggestions my way if they had any (hint, hint )


	6. Aftermath One

AN: So here we are. I've decided to try something a little different, but I hope everyone likes it anyway. Oh, and thanks a lot Kayakara (or Chardonayye now right?). Your review as very encouraging to read . Thanks!

Warnings: as implied by the last chapter, there will be a little V/G relationship type thingy(but nothing graphic yet), and some abuse as well.

Quick overview: The story has come out of the memory state(for now) and is focusing on the affect all Vegeta's problems are having in his life in the present. Enjoy!

Aftermath 1

_I could hear him crying in our bathroom……_

I wished I hadn't lashed out at him. I always wished that after I hurt him. But it was always too late. And a little piece of his soul would slide away…….

I wanted so desperately to tell him that it was not his fault, that my anger wasn't for him. But how could I? How could I explain that I beat him because I couldn't let go of my past? It doesn't make sense!

_"You're mine forever, little prince."_

I got out of bed and knocked on the bathroom door. There was a sharp gas and he stopped crying. There was silence and I could imagine the terrified look he might have on his face.

He didn't say anything, so I tried the door knob. It was unlocked so I went in.

He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub applying an ice pack to his swollen eye. He glance up at me and then down again.

I stared at him for a long time and I almost told him. I almost told him everything that was wrong with my life. Everything. Only………

"_That damned saiyan pride!"_

"I'm sorry."

Pause.

"I know," he replied quietly in a voice that made me think that he didn't believe me.

I moved his hand from his eye and leaned down to kiss him. He wouldn't kiss me back.

I stood up straight again, a little hurt, and turned toward the doorway.

"Come to bed," I ordered.

"No."

At first, I thought I had misunderstood him. There was no way he could have……

"What're you babbling about? I said 'Come to bed'."

He shook his head, smiling a sad smile, tears shining in his eyes.

"And I said no."

I whirled around to face him. What the hell had gotten into him? Had he gone mad?

"I can't keep letting you do this to me. Bulma said—"

"BULMA! WHAT! You've been talking to her!"

"Yes, Vegeta, I have. You don't know how lonely and sad I am. You keep me away from everyone!"

"I'm trying to protect you! I'm trying to protect us!"

"By nearly killing me! Is this your definition of protection!" He gestured wildly to his face and body.

"I was wrong. I lost my temper and I'm sorry."

He stared at me for a moment before jumping up and pushing past me.

He went to the closet started pulling out clothes and stuffing them into a travel bag. I watched him for a moment and laughed.

"Enough, Kakarott! Stop this foolishness and come to bed."

He didn't reply, only continued stuffing clothes into the bag.

"I said that's enough, come to bed now and I promise you won't be punished."

He didn't listen so I grabbed his arm and threw him to the floor. He tried to stand up, but I gave him a swift kick in the face.

"_Vegeta, do you remember your father?"_

I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but there was no way I could let him leave! I would go insane without him. I would be left alone with the demons in my head…….

I knew I had to nip this in the bud. If I didn't he would try this again when I wasn't around.

"_He was a fool. I would have let him live if he had not been so stupid."_

I kicked him across the hardwood floor and he yelped in pain.

He lie there on his back, crying out pleas to me. I yanked him up so hard, I thought I'd broken his arm. He fell against me, sobbing with pain. I let him fall and kicked him across the room again.

This time, he knew he had to get up quickly. He managed to push himself up with his good arm, but promptly fell again.

"_You're a destroyer, Vegeta, that is all you are good for. Heh, well, I suppose there is one more thing……"_

When he saw me coming toward him, he broke down.

"Please, Please, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I talked back! I'm sorry I disobeyed!"

I knelt down near him and took his wounded arm in my hands. It was not broken, but his shoulder was dislocated.

I wrung one last cry from him as I popped it back into place and stood up again. I would get no sleep tonight.

"Go to bed," I commanded as I strode to the door.

As I left, I could hear him scrambling to obey. I couldn't help but smile.

No, he was something, the only thing, that was ever constant in my life. He would not leave me as everything else had. Never.

I would kill him first……….


	7. Goku's lament

AN: Alrighty, here's chapter 7. Hope everyone likes it Warnings: as implied by the last chapter, there will be a little V/G, and some abuse as well.

Quick overview: The story has come out of the memory state(for now) and is focusing on the affect all Vegeta's problems are having in his life in the present.

This chapter is being told from Goku's POV

Goku's Lament

The morning after our…..disagreement….he served me breakfast in bed.

"Morning," he said, smiling a warm friendly smile.

Well, what passed as one for Vegeta, anyway.

_He loves me!_

He set the tray across my lap and looked at me expectantly.

I licked my lips and replied "Good morning, Vegeta."

My Voice was hoarse and tired, but I smiled back anyway. I knew it must have been a sad, pathetic smile, but it was all I could muster.

He leaned over and claimed my lips. I kissed him back fervently, trying to ignore the pain. But when he started to push me back onto the bed, I pulled away.

"Not right now," I whispered, looking away.

I took a few bites of the pancakes, but I had to eat very slowly because of the pain in my jaw.

"I'm sorry, Vegeta. I don't know what I was thinking last night," I said suddenly.

I know, I know, why am I apologizing? Yes, It was him who had beaten _me_, but it's just the way things work. I apologize and everything goes back to normal.

He stroked my hair and smiled again.

"It's okay. I forgive you."

Bastard! He can be such a bastard sometimes! Sitting there all smug as if this entire thing was my fault. I mean, I know a lot of it is, but I didn't hit myself, now did I?

_No, I don't mean that…..he loves me I know he does….._

"I love you so much," I said.

"Lets not talk about it anymore," he whispered into my ear, biting my earlobe playfully.

"mmhm."

Did he really expect me to just forget! How could I? He's broken my entire ribcage, pushed me down the stairs, and beaten me black and blue so many times I can't even count anymore. Did he really think I could forget that stuff? Oh no, I remember everything he's ever done to me.

_They were only nightmares! Those things never happened!He would never do that to me!He loves me, after all!HE LOVES ME!_

And yet I cannot leave him…….or maybe it's just that I won't. Either way, I suppose I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes, he can be so good to me! And others……..

I just don't understand! Sometimes he's just so horrible that it's like there are two Vegetas.

But I loved him. For those moments when he was good and kind to me, I loved him.

I would gladly endure the worst of his beatings just to see him smile at me. I would walk through fire…….

But I know that if I am to have him, I must take the damaged part of him as well. The part of him that hurts me.

He moved the tray from my lap and pulled back the covers. He was now nipping at the old claim scar on my neck. I knew what this meant.

It was a sign of his dominance, a sign that he was the alpha male in this relationship. A sign that he could do whatever he wanted with me.

He slowly brought us down on to the bed , kissed me one more time, and then started taking off my clothes.

_Please, Vegeta, not now! I'm so very tired and everything hurts……..I promise I'll give it to you later…..please just wait!_

I didn't say anything. I didn't really want to do this right now, but what could I do? I couldn't say no.

Any resistance would most likely result in another episode like yesterday's.

Or rape………..

He parted my legs and climbed up between them.

_He loves me, he loves me not….._

I closed my eyes and turned my head. I did not want to see.

_He loves me……._


	8. Aftermath two

Disclaimer: I do not in any way shape or form own DBZ or any of it's characters.(every time I have to say that, I die a little inside…..)

AN: okay, I've finally gotten back into the swing of things and wrote another chapter.(; so lazy!). I've answered a(miako6!)request in this chapter(J), but not in the way one might think…..It's being told in Vegeta's Pov. Hope it's enjoyed!

Aftermath 2

_I am a failure… _

_I've failed my father and my people. My father… _

_All he had asked of me before he watched me walk away for the last time was that I defeat Freiza and restore honor to Vegeta-sei. _

_And I couldn't… _

I failed because of Kakarot. Had he and those meddlesome friends of his not interfered with my plan, I would have succeeded. I would had gained my immortality and defeated Frieza.

_That fool, he—_

But I don't mean that. Even as I think that, I am remorseful. I watch him chew carefully, his eyes filling with tears of pain, and I regret.

And yet, I don't stop.

I have moments like this often and yet I do not stop. Moments when my heart shatters for the pain I've caused him and yet I do not stop.

I've always justified my actions one way or the other. Usually, I tell myself that he deserves anything he gets for stealing my glory, hurting my pride.

_Yes,t hat's right! The fool, how dare he!_

For taking away my right to defeat Frieza…..

_Serves him right! _

And still…I know I am wrong.

"Vegeta?"

I looked up from my plate and into the bruised face of my mate.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, concern palpable in his voice.

_I'm…dying inside. _

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just that you were thrashing in your sleep last night and saying odd things."

I should, I've waited for such a long time to, but it was so hard. So hard to admit my weakness.

"Nothing is wrong."

_You're doing it again…_

It didn't seem to be working this time. My voice was too unsure and the situation was too tense now. This was the breaking point.

"Are you sure? I'd like to think you'd tell me if there was something." His voice was adamant and stronger than it had been in my presence for years.

I stared at him. I was about to deny it again, but suddenly everything came flooding in. Everything I had ever done and endured came forth like a river breaking a shoddy dam. The guilt hit me harder than any enemy ever had.

I gripped the edge of the table so hard that the wood spintered.

'Vegeta?" I heard Kakarot say warily. He seemed so far away…

He stood up and backed away from me. Years of abuse driving a wedge between us that I knew I would have to struggle to cross again.

"No, Kakarott. Everything isn't fine. I can't…."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't get him out!" I cried clutching my head in frustration.

"Who? What are you talking about? Please, explain it to me."

He ventured a few steps forward, but I overturned the table and sent dishes flying. He backed away again.

:"Frieza!He's still there., laughing, taunting. Every night I dream and he's there!He's dead and I can't rid myself of him!"

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you get through it!" The hurt in his voice made me want to hug him and rip him in two at the same time. However rather than the former, anger was all I knew and so I couldn't contain myself any longer.

"Oh and how the hell would you have done that? Would we have _talked _about it? Sat down and had a little heart to heart! You think if it was that easy I would still be the way I am!"

I stood up and stalked toward him. I tried to tell my self—

_Stop! It isn't his fault! He was only trying to help you!_ _This isn't how— _

"YOU LIVED A SHELTERED LIFE HERE IN THIS MUDBALL!YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TOF ME! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE.MY CHILDHOOD, GONE, MY FATHER, GONE, MY HOME, GONE. THAT MONSTER DESTROYED ME!HE TOOK EVERYTHING THAT I HAD! AFTER HE WAS FINISHED, I HAD NOTHING LEFT!" I screamed at him maniacally.

_It wasn't supposed to—_

"HE'S DEAD NOW, VEGETA!IT'S OVER!THINGS COULD CHANGE IF YOU WOULD LET THEM!"

I knew that he was yelling back at me, but I barely noticed. I turned my back to him and looked around the kitchen. Everything was still in order except for the mess on the floor…..

I was so angry. How dare he try to put this on me! He made it sounds so easy, like I could just wake up tomorrow and be a new man. A kind, gentle man. Such was not my nature. This I knew. I had wanted to explain to him calmly, tell him everything, but I had made a mistake. We were both so angry and damaged now that it was nearly impossible for everything to come out softly. Anger and retaliation was all I knew….

"No, Kakarot. It's not over. You ruined…everything!If it hadn't been for your interference, I would have—"

He chuckled through his pain. It was a sad, desperate sound, a cross between laughing and crying. He, too, was breaking from his pain. A demon that I had created.

"You would have what, Vegeta? I'll tell you exactly what you would have done: died like all the rest."

I whirled around to look at him, eyes wide in disbelief. Was this….my Kakarot? How dare he! I could have killed him where he stood, but I couldn't even move in my shock.

He was crying and smiling at the same time, tears streaming down his cheeks in sad little rivulets. The smile was so twisted and wrong, the smile he gave me when he was in pain and he didn't want me to know.How I wanted to wipe them away and tell him that he didn't have to smile to make me feel better. To take him away from this mess that I'd made. Such a bloody, bloody mess…..

_You always hurt the ones you love. It's too late. Too late… _

"My 'interference" was the only thing that stood between him and universal destruction. I did what I had to do! I _had_ to defeat him because you were too _weak_ to do it!" he spat at me with so much venom that had I not been looking right at him, I would doubt that it was him.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this……_

And something inside me snapped. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to give him a heartfelt confession and we were supposed to cry and hug and make up and everything would be fine.

But all of our baggage, everything that I had created and sustained over the years all came out in a flurry of rage, and neither of us could deal.

_My love, Kakarot……_

I loved him more than anything, but I had hurt him so badly. I had created this anger in him and I knew what I had become.

I had become his Frieza. I had become the monster that devoured goodness and spat it back out as darkness. I was the monster.

I can barely remember what happened next, but his words were so spiteful and enraged that I couldn't believe they came from his lips. And I knew I deserved every one of them.

_All of his pain…_

The next I can remember, I was sitting, cradling his limp body in my arms, my lap sticky with blood. Mine or his, I did not know. He was still breathing, still alive, but barely.

The house was in shambles and Bulma and the others were shouting at me, demanding to know what had happened.

It was all so wrong. How had I become this…..thing?

"VEGETA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

_I could not deal. I should have told him before. I should have told him before. I should have told him before. _

"VEGETA!"

The demon smiled and I understood. He did not need to destroy me. I would destroy myself.

_Vegeta? _

What?

_Wake up!_

AN:alrighty, that's the end of chapter 8cowers away from Miako6

Don't beat me up yet! I promise everything will be okay in the end. I'm a sucker for good endings. But first we have to get through all the ugly stuff that often exists when you're dealing with people who've bee emotionally crippled. I promise that It won't be bad forever though!J I'm not sure if I want to make this a dream or not,but if I get some feedback about it, I'll use that to decide where to take it for the next chapter. Please review and suggest, it'll make it easier to get the next chapter up in a timely manner. Till next time!


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